So I thought I would take the opportunity of naps, and someone at a party, and a football game that was Sam occupied to give an update… but that was a week ago! It has been about two weeks since we got the boys home, and I really just haven’t had much time to do blog. So I failed to give an update after being home a week, and ten days, like I thought I would, but here is the two week update. It is amazing how much faster four kids wear you out than two! Especially when two of the boys don’t really understand what is going on.
We have made huge improvements over the past two weeks. The boys are beginning to understand that a) going to sleep won’t kill them and b) they will have to go to sleep each afternoon and night. Naptime is still our biggest battle, but they are beginning to submit to the routine. So far we have only missed one nap. They still fight us, though, each day and each evening. Mere mention of the word “spot” (which is the Russian for sleep) results in whines and hardships (see below).
We also have had no spitting and only two incidents of biting-one was over excitement during play and one was angry but minor attempt at testing limits. (Biting hard is forbidden, but is biting just a little bit? Yup… just as forbidden, but it had to be tested). They are still working on realizing that the dogs have limits and boundaries that should not be crossed, but we haven’t gotten that figured out yet. Mama and Papa have the discipline thing figured out pretty well. The boys are still testing their boundaries, and have yet to quite make some of the connections of what is Good and what is Not Good.
The boys are very different. We are seeing that they both used different techniques to get attention in the orphanage. One did it by causing trouble. The other did it by whining and pouting until he got his way. In many respects they are similar to Erin and Sam; one is hyperactive and one keeps to himself. For example, if we are outside playing, Ben will take a toy and throw it over the fence- which is not to be done but doesn’t result in punishment except for the loss of that particular toy for the remainder of playtime. Once he realized that it no longer caused attention, it hasn’t happened much. Nathan, on the other hand, will sit down and cry until he gets his way. He hasn’t quite made the connection yet that he has not once gotten his way by doing it, but is getting better. Neither have they figured out that telling Mama or Papa “nyet” results in them very swiftly doing it anyway. Or running away is Very Bad regardless of why they are running. But they’ll get there.
Both boys are making small uses of English. While we said t
hat we wanted to help them keep their language, we are now at the point that we don’t really care if we ever hear Russian again! It is very frustrating for all of us to not be able to understand each other. Not that we don’t understand each other in some respects. We have obviously gotten them outside to play, inside for KOOOPATSAAAAAH, fed, in bed at the appropriate times, toys picked up, etc. each day. So we are communicating, but they get really excited about things at times (for good or bad) and we have NO IDEA what they are talking about. We now know the Russian words for airplane, bath, birds, MORE!, hot dog, bear, rain, and some others. They are getting the important words figured out, like “apple,” “snack,” “NO,” “don’t hit the dog,” and so on. Nathan, while playing tonight, kept saying, “Esscuse me, esscusse me!” and last night Benjamin told Shannon something that was true- “Sissy aaauuhp-stuuuurs.” And sissy was upstairs. Sometimes they repeat words perfectly, sometimes its close, sometimes it just isn’t happening. They are really having issues with the letter “H” which doesn’t exactly exist in Russian; they use an “X” which doesn’t really exist in English- it sounds like a cross between the English “H” and the Greek “X” (Khi). There is a major barrier because of the word “spot.” “Spot” in Russian means “sleep,” so when we say, “Clear your spot at the table,” all they get out of it is “Sleep.” Which is about the worst possible thing you could make them do, at least in their minds.
Erin and Sam are learning. We all are. At first, Erin had two new baby dolls; now there are times where she wants to go her own way. Sam, I think, sees it more as someone encroaching on his territory. It is difficult to have three boys in the yard, each doing their own thing, and play with all three. At some point we’ll coordinate efforts and play a game together. Erin and Sam have mastered this, but until the boys can figure out the language, this will be lacking. Erin and Sam are doing good at being Big Sister and Big Brother. Sam has been giving rides on his Power Wheels 4-wheeler. Erin gave wagon rides tonight. But they are playing well- but they do tend to pair off with the two older and two younger.
Shannon is worried about how she will handle things once I go back to work. I tend to look at her with a blank look when she says this, because I really don’t know what to say. She’s the one who is communicating with them. She’s the one that figured out how to get them to go to bed. I’m really more for crowd control, and an occasional stand-in jungle gym. I don’t know of anyone who is better suited for this. It is hard, but she really does an amazing job, and I have no doubts that she will get it figured out. (I know I have an important role-and I’m not downplaying that, but she really has a knack for getting people figured out).
As for me, I’ve been worn out. I’ve been responsible for entertaining them outside, which is really really tiring. But I’ve gotten an excellent workout each d
ay. I don’t think I’ve ever run so much in a week before! (Note: I’m not complaining!) It has been good. I’m not one that likes to go out and play. I love camping, but not just hanging out in the yard, so it’s been good for Erin and Sam, too, because I’m spending better time with them, even if it is split four ways! But with the four kids, the awesome weather, I have spent a lot of time outside, and the yard is picked up and mowed, and Shannon couldn’t be happier about that.
Both have their struggles and issues, and both are different. One is overly active and sometimes loses ability to reason or control his body (in an extreme, not-normal way), but we are beginning to see some things that trigger it. The other is having trouble bonding with us. He has been a loner for his entire life, and has serious problems with fear and pride and anger. He has yet to realize that he has NEVER won a battle against us. Not once. He has not even come close to getting his way. But I trust that his learning this will come with time. What I am trying to do is not let him sulk alone when he is angry. I bring him in the room with everyone else, or sit with him. He really wants to hide, and will hide his eyes with his hands or even shut his eyes tight. (It should not be much longer before he realizes I will be there when he opens his eyes, anyway.
These problems aside, most of our problems are from two four-year-olds, who are delayed from living in an institution, acting like nor
mal little kids. They are having normal little kid issues with discipline and normal fighting with each other. These problems are compounded by them not understanding English and us not understanding Russian. I’m sure they have been disciplined for things that they probably could have explained and all would be okay; right now almost all of what we are doing is behavior control. They aren’t obeying because it is in their hearts to obey, but because of trouble that will come to them. So we need to have full communication which will come with time.
Our prayer requests continue to be that our love would grow for them. We like them now. I know that sounds strange, that we really we did not like them at first-I’ll have to explain this more in a later blog, but we have found that it is really not unusual to feel that way. But love them? Not yet. And that is clearly a fault within us. We are not called to love because of their being lovable-we are called to love because we have been loved. And despite all the cute pictures, they are not all that loveable right now, though they are getting to be more so. But then, none of us are loveable all the time. We are called to love them, not because they are loveable but because we are to love everyone unconditionally. And God is really showing us how much we lack in this area. We have learned a lot about ourselves in the past three weeks, and most of it is pretty ugly. It has been painful, but we have never been closer to God, either. Yet God is holy and perfect, and we are sinful creatures. We can’t expect to grow more like God-more Holy-without it being painful. When the bible describes being purified it tends to use terms of a refining fire. He gives grace to the humble; we are called to die to ourselves each day. This isn’t easy, but we are growing. All six of us!
The Nelson Chronicles 